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March 18, 2006

Desperate nymphoid

Guys, remember the old saw about the difference between a slut and a whore?  A slut was a woman who slept with everybody, whereas a whore was a woman who slept with everybody but you.

Neither of those definitions applies to the newest member of the "I Wanna Be Like Madonna And Selena" club, Eva Longoria - but to hear her open her skanky piehole, y'just wanna make her wear that lingerie anyway, y'know?

Eva Longoria says she would consider having a child out of wedlock with NBA star-boyfriend Tony Parker – but he wouldn't.

One wishes that were because of some moral standard present in Tony Parker's life.  But, as we'll soon see, that's obviously not the case.

"I would," the 31-year-old "Desperate Housewives" actress says in an interview in Allure  magazine's April issue, on newsstands Tuesday.

How nice for you, Eva, honey.  I'm just positive there are millions of men who'd give their right nut to oblige you on that count.

But it's pretty clear you haven't completely thought through all the ramifications of having a child, period - much less whether or not said child would fit the dictionary definition of the word "bastard".

Then again, that's what happens when bimbos like you think with their clits.  Color me not terribly impressed.

"But Tony won't...He's only been with one other person in his life."

Wellllll, I'm sure that wouldn't be too much of a problem for she who wants to be Generation Y's (Z's?) Carmen Electra.  Just play with the guy's dick for a few minutes and he'll be putty in your hands.

I mean, that is  how you little nymphette sluts think you can control us, isn't it?

Longoria says it was "lust at first sight" when she met Parker, 23, a point guard for the San Antonio Spurs, in the Spurs' locker room after a game last year.

"He's very sweet," she says of her French-born boyfriend. "I'm the experienced one. I'm the teacher, especially about love.

How old is Parker again?  Eva, honey, I really don't think you want to be making analogies like that, especially in light of scandals like the one involving Debbie LaFave...

He's always telling me he's never met anyone who loves the way I do – wholly and freely and unconditionally."

Translation:  he's never met anyone who loves fucking like bunnies.

She also clears up speculation that they will soon walk down the aisle: "No, no, no. But we know exactly what we want in our future."

"Our children will speak French," she adds.

How lovely to know that Mommie Dearest's bastard children will speak Fwench.  Will they be brie-sucking surrender monkeys too, Eva, honey?

Parker appreciates her "plucky" attitude, Longoria tells the magazine.

"Since I grew up in Texas, I'm like the people he's gotten used to around San Antonio instead of being a Hollywood actress who's selfish and arrogant and full of herself ... and screamy," she says.

'Scuse me?  Uh, I've got news for you, bimbo - "a Hollywood actress who's selfish and arrogant and full of herself" is precisely what you are.  You could not have described yourself any more inaccurately.  You pretty much spent the entire interview, from the looks of things, putting the lie to this one teeny, tiny blurb of yours.

But this is what happens when people who gain fame & fortune from reading other people's writings have to actually think for themselves.  Especially when said readers are getting by on their looks, rather than the abject vacuum that is their brains.

Longoria stars opposite Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland and Kim Basinger in the thriller "The Sentinel," set for release next month.

If I were Tony, I'd have kept an eye on Eva & Michael (Eva & Kiefer?  Eva & Kim???) during the shooting of that particular flick.  Never know when Eva's gonna have another "lust at first sight" moment.

She divorced Tyler Christopher, who stars on ABC's "General Hospital," last year, after three years of marriage.

So much for loving "wholly and freely and unconditionally", eh, Eva?  Wonder how Tyler feels about you verbally flaunting your minx-ness all over the place, hm?

What a fucking bimboid slut...

Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant at March 18, 2006 10:03 AM

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San Antonio Denizens, headsup!

Buzz me. I have an assignment for you.


Was your assignment to go out and impregnate Eva Longoria?


Posted by: Elephant Man at March 19, 2006 11:28 AM

Oh, bite me, E-man. (grin)

Posted by: Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant at March 19, 2006 11:55 AM