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August 30, 2007
PFW: Now it counts!
As we launch the first this-one-counts Perfect Football Weekend™ of the year, the Department of Ew, Just Ew™ alerts us to a charter member of the next generation of the Washington Redskins most well-known group of fans, the Hog-ettes.
A student at Sunset High School arrived for a second time Wednesday morning trying to register for class.But it's what 17-year-old Luis Valderamma wears that has created issues with administrators.
He's a cross dresser, attired Wednesday in capri pants and heels.
"This is how I feel comfortable. This is me," Valderamma said.
The student was sent home on Monday, but on Wednesday, school officials did allow him to register and attend class.
The DISD would not elaborate on any further agreements about his wardrobe.
"I'm not a distraction. There's nothing in the rules that says I can't wear girl clothes," he said. "I see girls up here with saggy jeans. They come dressed up like boys. That's going to be a distraction, too."
Valderamma says he's willing to compromise somewhat and wear capris instead of skirts.
But he says his choices are limited, as he has already bought his entire girl wardrobe for the school year.
I would pay Honest-To-Cthulu Real Money™ if this wussbag would go out for the Sunset football team. 
Awright, let's get to it. Tonight, the Dallas Cowboys play their last preseason game up in NoBridgeVille Minnesota as they visit the Vikings. Widdle Terri Owens has already said that the stars are scheduled for "zero snaps" (his words). Look for a ViQueens win, as the Cowboys get a heavy dose of former OU back Adrian Peterson. (And, as this game is preseason, it won't count in the final PFW tally.)
Also tonight, Turner Gill's UBuffalo Bulls play the role of sacrificial opening-night lamb vs. the 16th-ranked Rutgers Scarlet Knights. A Vegas gaming site, to which I will hereinafter refer as "Vegas", has the Scarlet Knights at -32½, so as long as the Bulls can keep from getting beat by 47, it's a win.
In addition, the Bo Pelini-run defense of the #2-ranked LSU Tigers pays a visit to Starkville, MS to feast on Sylvester Croom's Mississippi State Bulldogs. ESPN thinks Croom could be fighting to save his job, and LSU's going to be of no help whatsoever. The line is LSU -18½, and I don't think it's going to be that close.
Friday night, the "hah skrewlers" (a takeoff of a little Rush lingo, there) get back in action - and if it's the first game of the season, it must be Azle for my (Fort Worth, for you LCs) Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets. Heights got in the playoffs last year with a losing record (a fact which I chronicled here), and they're not much better this year, so the playoffs are a remote shot - as will be successful PFWs. 
Speaking of sacrificial lambs, the University of North Texas Eagles, under the direction of former Texas high-school coaching phenom Todd Dodge, goes to Norman Saturday evening at 7:00 to get their heads ripped off by #8 Oklahoma.
The line is OU by 40½. Welcome to the NCAA, Todd. 
Finally, the 22nd-ranked Texas Christian University Horned Frogs will host the Baylor Bears and former TCU lineman (now Bear coach) Guy Morriss at 5 pm Saturday (this is where His Rudeness™ will be screaming his head off for the three hours following). The story is that all spring & summer, Morriss has talked about nothing else but this game, been preparing for nothing else but this game.
Trouble is, he did that last year too - and TCU pulled the upset in Waco.
TCU's starting a freshman at quarterback, however, so this game (as they all will) scares me, even though TCU's favored by 21. I will have no nails by game's end. Bank on that.
We're back Monday or so for the recap. In the meantime, now it counts, so let's hear the trash talk! 
Posted by sgc284 at 11:19 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 28, 2007
PFW: I came to watch a game, not bury Vick...
Well, to paraphrase an old stand-up comic...last night I watched a Michael Vick public burial and a football game broke out.
Dallas 16, Pew-stun 14, Mike Carey's Blind-Assed Excuse for an Officiating Crew 14
Jacksonville 21, Green Bay 13
New England 24, Carolina 7
Pittsburgh 27 Philadelphia 13
Atlanta 24, Cincinnati 19
Was that a football game last night or a public wringing-of-the-hands-in-angst over the Widdle Mikey Vick imbroligio? I mean, you couldn't go five minutes without Tirico, Jaworski & Kornheiser bringing it up. What, was PeTA writing the fookin' script or something?
Anyway, Joey Harrington didn't look all that bad in leading the Falcons to a win at home, throwing two touchdown passes in about a half's worth of work. Carson Palmer had a couple of touchdown passes for the Bengals - the first ones of their preseason. It didn't help that they had 14 players out with injuries.
...
Who says you need reps in practice? Not Pats quarterback Tom Brady:
Two days after Brady missed practice to fly to Los Angeles where his ex-girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan, gave birth to their son, Brady returned to the Patriots and was nearly flawless in New England's 24-7 exhibition win over the Carolina Panthers on Friday.
Ah, but just wait until he gets hit with the child support papers.
...
There's just no pleasing some people.
Ben Rothelisberger throws for damn-near 250 yards, leads the Steelers on three scoring drives (okay, so two of 'em were FGs - whatever), and he's pissed about it:
"No, I'm not real happy," he said. "We missed a couple of things, some things could have been better, but I told some of those guys I'll get better and I'll be sure to hit them."
Sheesh.
OTOH, how long before the Philthy fans (did I really say that? ) start clamoring for Kevin Kolb to replace Donna McFlabb as the starter? The World's Greatest Quarterback Ever In The History Of Ever, Ever™ was only 5-of-11 for 60 yards, while Kolb went 26-of-37 for 242.
...
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Eleven-on-eighteen is not a fair fight.
Dallas goes three-and-out on its first possession, then punts to little pipsqueak Jackoff Jacoby Jones, who promptly runs 91 yards the other way for the first Tex-anne touchdown.
Except that Pewstun committed a clip of the left-side gunner on the play.
Except that it wasn't called. Fucking excuse-for-a-side judge looked right at it - and didn't call it. Pretty much de rigueur for the 'Boys the rest of the night: Get mugged by Pewstun - no call. Breathe on a Tex-anne - 10 yard penalty.
Romo didn't have a great game, though he did throw TDs each to Widdle Terri Owens and Jason Witten. The offensive line was just that - offensive; the running game was non-existant. And Martin Grammitica has kicked himself out of a job for the second straight year, missing the PAT on the Owens TD (he'll get cut this week or next with an injury settlement - you heard it here first).
Terrence Newman showed why he's the Dallas defensive MVP. He missed the game with plantar facsitis (sp?) in his heel, forcing the other cornerbacks to move up a spot. Whereupon backup Jacques Reeves got beat for a 20-yard rainbow for a touchdown by the aforementioned Jackoff Jones.
(Incidentally, speaking of Jones, he should be damned glad I wasn't trailing him on that punt return when he did a somersault over the goal line. My elbows are pretty damned sharp, plus I wouldn't have had much trouble leading with the crown of my helmet on the late hit. 
)
Next PFW is in two days. And this time, it counts for real (at least, on the HS and NCAA sides). Start gearing up now, LCs & Denizens.
Posted by sgc284 at 11:38 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
August 25, 2007
Hiatus
Guys, I hate to break this to y'all suddenly like this, but it's
Extended Down Time™ for Yours Truly™. I've had something happen here, and I need to work through it. Therefore, this blog is going on hiatus. (Perfect Football Weekends™ will continue to be chronicled both here and on the Rott - and the TCU sidebar will make its return this week.
In answer to y'all's question - no, this time it's not medical. And that's all I'm willing to say about it for now.
See you down the road.
Posted by sgc284 at 04:33 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
August 23, 2007
PFW: Touchdown scored by...Ramon Vasquez???
Denizens & LCs, we'll start off this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend with a question: If I told you that a Texas team laid an ass-whipping on Baltimore, 30-3, you'd think football, wouldn't you? You'd think to yourself, "Man, Brian Billick, Ray Lewis and the rest of those goons got their heads handed to them by the Cowboys." Some of you would even break out in happy dances, I'll bet. And you'd think it was the Cowboys, because the Houston Texannes...snx...the Texans...snxxxnxxxxx...the Tex...BWAHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!11~
Sorry, got carried away there for a second. Where was I...? Ah, yes...
You'd be wrong. Not only about the teams involved, but about the sport itself. As you probably know by now, the Texass stRangers destroyed the Baltimore Orioles last night in the first game of a doubleheader, setting the modern record for runs scored in a single game by a single team (they also set the record for runs scored in a doubleheader, as they won the nightcap, 9-7). Down 3-0 in the opener, they roared back on the strength of two grand-slam homers, two three-run shots, and 7 RBIs apiece from the bottom two slots in the batting order.
"Damn", as former FlaState footballer Ron Simmons would say.
Which brings us around to football. Tonight, Lefty Leftwich & the Jacksonville Jaguars visit the frozen rain-soaked tundra of Lambeau Field to take on Ancient Mariner™ Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers. Fox has the game with its #2 team, which means you'll probably see more of Tony Siragusa than you really wanted to. 
Tomorrow night, CBS brings us a rematch of Super Bowl...uh, Super Bowl...
AUGUSTUS: XXXVIII
LSIK&T: Oh, yeah, right. 38. Thanks, Augie.
AUGUSTUS: !%@(#!#(#$(#%@*@!!!!!!!!
(He hates it when I call him "Augie". Which is, of course, why I do it. 
)
Anyway, it's a rematch of Super Bowl 38 as the Pats go to Carolina. Jake Delhomme & company haven't looked all that great to start, but good things are being predicted for the Pats this year. Rumors that NE QB Tom Brady was having a customized papoose-pak made for him were unsubstantiated at press time.
Speaking of the Cowboys (and the Tex-annes, for that matter), they'll hook up Saturday night in Houston. It'll be interesting to see how former Atlanta backup QB Matt Schaub fares behind that sieve of an offensive line (the guess from here is that you could put The World's Greatest Quarterback Ever In The History Of Ever, Ever!!!™, Donna McFlabb, behind that line and he'd get killed).
Speaking of Team Clunky Soup©, they'll join Madden, Michaels and the NBC Sunday Night crew in Pittsburgh for another intrastate matchup vs. Ben Rothelisberger and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Pitt has its third head coach in the last forty years - dammitall, can't Art Rooney get some stability into that franchise?
Speaking of Hotlanta, we'll round out the weekend Monday night with the Falcons hosting the Cincinnati Bengals (it should be on ESPN, but it's not on the schedule, but why would it be on Monday night otherwise?). The over/under for this game is six felony convictions.
We're back Tuesday for the recap. In the meantime, feel free to discuss Atlanta replacing Michael Vick with...Joey Harrington???
Posted by sgc284 at 12:40 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 22, 2007
(More) old comments, we get (more) old comments...!!!
Okay, boyz & girlz, it's time once again to play His Rudeness' 17th-favorite game, "Rip A New One For The Jackass Who Posted A Comment In An Old Thread"!!! (And no, I still haven't found the list of the first 16.)
MERLIN: Are you ever gonna find that list, m'Liege?
LSIK&T: Got McManx looking for it even as we speak.
[Five-second cut scene: an orange-brown-white-ish planet somewhere in the Badlands - a planet which, if it weren't in the Badlands, might be mistaken for Gothos. Zooming in to the surface, we find Cadet T-Bone McManx on his knees, filter mask on his face, a tube connected thereto which supplies him with a not-quite-sparse-but-dwindling supply of oxygen.]
OZY MCCOOL: What did he ever do to you, m'Lord?
LSIK&T: It was either him or you, and you outrank him.
[McCool immediately leaps to the floor and begins kissing Spats' steel-toed boot.]
LSIK&T: That's enough, Ozy.
KORRIOTH: So who's our lucky contestant today, Admiral?
LSIK&T: We got us a jerkface from what looks like San Antonio, some dipshit named "rmontero"
KORRIOTH: Good Gawd™, another e.e.cummings wannabe...?
LSIK&T: Oh, you'd like this one, Korr. He whines.
[Korrioth bares his teeth & snarls fiercely.]
LSIK&T: Exactly.
Anyway, here's this "rmontero" character, ostensibly from San Antonio, and he's bitching about what I said about Tammy Faye.
MERLIN: Actually, Your Rudeness™, I think he might've been objecting to what you said about Jim.
LSIK&T: What, that he single-handedly destroyed his own empire?
OZY MCCOOL: Or maybe "single-dickedly" is what raised his tutu.
ALL: (howls of laughter)
LSIK&T: Okay, McCool, you're now a Lieutenant (j.g.)
OZY MCCOOL: (bows) Thank you, sir.
LSIK&T: Awright, where were we...?
You are so sad!
No, actually I'm pretty happy nowadays.
MERLIN: What about that deal with...
LSIK&T: Shh.
MERLIN: But...
LSIK&T: (shoots a very irritated look towards Merlin.)
MERLIN: (ulp!)
You like to throw stones?
KORRIOTH: Actually, he likes to throw fists.
LSIK&T: Actually, to a weenie like this guy, they'd probably feel like stones.
KORRIOTH: Point.
You like to be heard
OZY MCCOOL: Actually, he likes to be read.
LSIK&T: Well, that is why I do this.
MERLIN: You'd think that'd be obvious to him.
LSIK&T: About as obvious as knowing when a post is still on the front page?
MERLIN: Point.
and the only way anyONE reads your filth
MERLIN: AnyONE?
OZY MCCOOL: Not anyTWO?
THE SPATULAGODDESS™: Or anyTHREE, even.
LSIK&T: Hi, sweetheart!!! (hugs) How's the move?
THE SPATULAGODDESS™: We're pretty much in. Are you gonna be online the same time I am anytime soon?
LSIK&T: (hangs head in shame) Sorry. Guilty as charged.
THE SPATULAGODDESS™: That's okay, hon. (kisses His Rudeness™ on the cheek, then disappears)
KORRIOTH: (shakes head) What is it with you and women, anyway?
LSIK&T: It helps to not have a ridged forehead.
(Korrioth gives Spats his own vicious glare. Spats just snickers. 
)
is if you print filth.
KORRIOTH: Maybe he's referring to the fact that you mentioned Der Kaiser™.
LSIK&T: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...could be?
You should be ashamed and look in the mirror spider brains
KORRIOTH: Aw, look. He even signed it!
MERLIN: You're starting to attract a different class of troll, m'Liege.
LSIK&T: Oh, thanks, Wizard. Now I'm gonna be up half the night wondering if that was a compliment...
MERLIN:
Oh, and "rmontero": Fuck off, jackass. Try staying on the front page next time. 
Posted by sgc284 at 03:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 21, 2007
PFW: I'm glad my folks didn't name me that...
Waitaminit™ - I think the G-men just got called for another penalty...
Miami 11, Kansas City 10
Minnesota 37, NY Jets 20
Dallas 31, Denver 20
NY Giants 13, Baltimore 12
Chicago 27, Indianapolis 24
Patrick Cobbs (late of the University of North Texas) scored a late touchdown and jackass Mormon John Beck - sorry, I still have it in for him for the TCU game last year - got the two-point conversion that sent the Chiefs down to defeat at home. The Chiefs are a little banged up right now (they're missing pretty much their entire backfield from last year at the moment) and have only one offensive TD in the preseason (according to the linked report).
...
Even though OU's Adrian Peterson ran tough for the Vikings, Mizzou's Brad Smith got to play his rendition of Kordell "Slash" Stewart for the Jets, and even former Cowboy bust (dammit) Drew Henson got into the act, the highlight of Minn-NYJ was a calico cat that got caught on the toob gallivanting across the endzone halfway through the fourth quarter. Smith didn't see him, opting instead for a handoff. 
...
Baltimore & the New York G-Men played a very sloppy game, even for preseason - the teams combined for 23 penalties for a grand total of 177 yards - and those were just the accepted ones.
...
Chicago got its revenge, I guess. If you wanna call a three-point preseason win revenge. (shrug) Adrian Peterson had a sorry night for Da Bears™ (5 carries, 8 yards), but he did score a touchdown. (OTOH, if the best Chicago can do is 68 yards rushing on a fast track vs. the Indy run defense with Cedric Benson & company - well, Urlacher had best have another career year.)
Side note before we go on: Look at the last part of the scoring recap:
Craphonso Thorpe 4 Yd Pass From Josh Betts (Shane Andrus Kick)
Great Honkin' Cthulu™, W(ho)TF names their kid "Craphonso"????? Damn. Just, damn.
...
Since the Cowboy game was on the See-BS affiliate, KDFW-TV decided to put the San Diego-St. Louis game on its sister station. San Diego pretty much dominated.
The Bolts have gone back to the ugly-assed white helmets from their old AFL days, plus an ugly font for their numbers. Ew.
Think Norv Turner doesn't realize this is his last chance at a head coaching gig? Last play of the game, his Chargers comfortably in front, 30-13, and he's griping about how Ram QB Brock Berlin's Hail-Mary pass was almost caught for a TD.
...
Speaking of Turner - ever wonder what his timing-based offense would have done with a Brett Favre-type quarterback in charge? Tony Romo is nowhere near Brett's greatness, but the poor-man's Favre led the Dallas offense on three very nice-looking drives in the first half (one was fairly short due to a fumble recovery deep in Bronco territory) as the Cowboys rolled. Romo was 11 of 18 for 122 with several timely passes for 10-yard-plus gains, though he did have one pick. Julius Jones & Marion Barber managed 88 yards between them, and Tyson Thompson got 75 all by himself against scrubs.
The 'Boys are running right a good deal more this year to the right side (one TD came going that route) - Leonard Davis may be the signing of the year if he can keep up this performance level.
Only one sack by the defense for the game, but constant pressure on Bronco quarterbacks forced several errant throws (Bobby Carpenter managed one interception). Nate Jones may have just played his way out of Dallas, whiffing on a pass that turned into a 90-yard Bronco touchdown.
But the most oddball note comes from Mike Klis of the Denver Pissed Post, who reported that the Broncos were apparently a little torqued that Dallas...well...played football.
"I don't know if Wade's (ticked) off the Broncos fired him, but it sure looked that way," Broncos safety John Lynch said.Lynch wanted to make it clear he was joking.
But as a safety entering his 15th season, Lynch is qualified to know football's unwritten rules better than most. The Broncos played their base, seven-man front on defense Saturday and, because their offensive line is so banged up, tried to employ a conservative plan when they had the ball.
"That's not what they did," Lynch said. "They came out and game- planned us, blitzing every play. They came after us. It's no excuse for the way we played. But I think they might have broken the code of ethics for the preseason."
A few other Broncos, including quarterback Jay Cutler, shared similar feelings about the Cowboys getting a little too aggressive with their approach to a preseason game
What, guys? You were expecting a nice, friendly game of tiddlywinks? Sheesh.
The PFW will return in a couple days.
Posted by sgc284 at 08:52 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Global warming?
Posted by sgc284 at 03:48 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 20, 2007
On dogfighters and guilty pleas
Item: Widdle Mikey "Godfather Dogkiller" Vick is to plead guilty to federal charges.
What makes this story so fookin' funny - not the situation, just the story - is this blurb:
Michael Vick's lawyer said the NFL star will plead guilty to federal dogfighting conspiracy charges, putting the Atlanta Falcons quarterback's career in jeopardy and leaving him subject to a possible prison term.
'Scuse me? Putting it in jeopardy???
Screw that. He's friggin' done. You heard it here first.
Posted by sgc284 at 03:04 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
August 19, 2007
From the Grab-Bag™
Busy day today, Sportz Fanz™, so the Mothergoose from Denton has been kind enough to share this with us. (I have no clue as to its veracity, but the email says it's true, so... 
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water...
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slippi ng outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old...
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat...
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer...
And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
Hey, I just post 'em, folkz.
Posted by sgc284 at 08:08 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 18, 2007
Yeah, but were they in the mood afterwards?
As you guys probably know by now, I'm rather...dubious...about the intelligence of the average environmental wacko.
MERLIN: Dubious????
KORRIOTH: Great Honkin' Cthulu™, you're positively apopletic about it!
OZY MCCOOL: "Hell, even McCool's got more sense than some of these assclowns!!!"
KORRIOTH: And we wonder about that sometimes.
OZY MCCOOL: You pothole-headed son of a...
LSIK&T: Awright, boys. Did I really say that about you, McCool?
OZY MCCOOL: Stardate 64091.5, during the last mission to the Badl...
LSIK&T: (wincing) Okay, okay, I take it back.
OZY MCCOOL: Thank you, m'Lord.
LSIK&T: From now on, I mean it about McManx.
T-BONE MCMANX: HEY!!!!!!!!
However, it's been a long time since any of them were this stupid.
Hundreds of naked people formed a "living sculpture" on Switzerland's Aletsch glacier Saturday, hoping to raise awareness about climate change.
MERLIN: I think the only thing they're doing is raising awareness of how abjectly stupid the environmentalists are.
OZY MCCOOL: Did any of them try licking the glacier?
KORRIOTH: Those would be the ones with their asses high in the air.
OZY MCCOOL: You mean those weren't Mooselimbs?
The photo shoot by Spencer Tunick, the New York artist famous for his pictures of nude gatherings in public settings worldwide, was designed to draw attention to the effects of global warming on Switzerland's shrinking glaciers."The melting of the glaciers is an indisputable sign of global climate change," said the environmental group Greenpeace, which co-organized the event.
OZY MCCOOL: Why can't they ever do something like this someplace where it means something?
KORRIOTH: Where did you have in mind, whelp?
OZY MCCOOL: How about Antarctica?
LSIK&T: (raises eyebrows) Merlin, I do believe this boy's beginning to get the picture.
MERLIN: (blushing) Thanky, m'Liege.
It said most Swiss glaciers will disappear by 2080 if global warming continues at its current pace.
KORRIOTH: There goes the tourist trade.
LSIK&T: They might have to start hosting Summer Olympics.
OZY MCCOOL: Only if they invite the Swedish Bikini Team.
LSIK&T: You are bucking for that promotion, ain'tcha, McCool?
The event, which followed Tunick's previous shoots in London, Mexico City and Amsterdam, was designed to minimize any impact on the environment, Greenpeace said.Temperatures during the shoot hovered around 50 degrees.
MERLIN: Heat wave!!! Tropical HEAT WAVE!!!!!!
OZY MCCOOL: Hot time, summer in the city...
ALL: ...backa my neck gettin' dirk 'n pretty...
(Don't laugh - that's how it sounds over the radio.
Posted by sgc284 at 02:48 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 16, 2007
PFW: Whatcha gonna do, brother...
(NOTE: This is being crossposted over at the Rott, hence the Rott references.)
The first Perfect Football Weekend™ ever to hit the Empire of the Rottweiler kicks off...
AUGUSTUS: By Baal's left nipple, can it get any cornier?
MERLIN: Trust me, he's just getting started.
LSIK&T: Oh, pipe down, both of you.
...by noting that Adam "Pacman" Jones, late of the Tennessee Vince Youngs Titans, has another gig now that he's been suspended for the year by the NFL: Pro wrestling.
Yeah, you heard right: Pro wrestling.
BRUTUS: We had professional wrestling. That is called, I believe, "rasslin'".
LSIK&T: What-ever.
But here's the kicker: The Titans, obviously wanting to protect their investment for when Jones comes back, tried to take Pacman to court the other day to keep him from the possibility of physical contact - and thus, injury. According to this story, they've come to an agreement whereby Pacman would not actually engage in any physical contact.
CALIGULA: Wuss.
MERLIN: True dat.
OZY MCCOOL: What a weenie!
KORRIOTH: You would know, wouldn't you, whelp?
OZY MCCOOL: Hey!!!
LSIK&T: Awright, knock it off!
Jones' Titans are in Foxboro Friday night to take on the Patriots.
Also Friday night, Fox has Minnesota at the NY J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets!, while ESPN has Miami traveling to Arrowhead this evening to play Kansas City's Chiefs. Sunday night, Madden & Michaels are in Baltimore to watch the Ravens host the New York Football Giants, and Monday night ESPN will have a rematch of last season's Super Bowl as Da Bears are at Indy.
Saturday night, the Denver Broncos come to Texas Stadium to take on the Cowboys. Jay Cutler has replaced Jake Plummer this year, for which Bronco fans are eminently grateful (Plummer having aptly demonstrated in 4 years why Arizona didn't even want him). Denver will pose a more adequate test for the Cowboys, as they feature a running game & a defense more closely resembling the ones Dallas will face in the NFC East. Cowboy fans, yours truly included, will want to keep their eyes peeled for this one.
We're back Tuesday for the recap.
Posted by sgc284 at 09:59 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 15, 2007
Free speech: Void where prohibited by nappy-headed hos
The Department of Beat The Crap Outta That Dead Horse, Why Don'tcha™ has submitted this story about one of Oprah's Darlings™, aka the Rutgers bimbo's women's basketball team, suing Don Imus for the "nappy-headed hos" remark.
Kia Vaughn, star center for the Rutgers Women's Basketball team, has filed a lawsuit against Imus for libel, slander and defamation -- the first civil suit to be filed against the former radio host. Vaughn is asking for monetary damages of an unspecified amount. Related Stories"This is a lawsuit in order to restore the good name and reputation of my client, Kia Vaughn," said her attorney, Richard Ancowitz, in an exclusive interview with the ABC News Law & Justice Unit.
Which this fuckwit Ancowitz is now helping to trash all over again simply by bringing this malicious, frivilous lawsuit.
Today's suit refers to terms used by Imus April 4 -- including referring to women on the team as "nappy headed" -- as "debasing, demeaning, humiliating, and denigrating" to Vaughn and her fellow players. "There's no way these bigoted remarks should have seen the light of day," Ancowitz told ABC News.
Apparently this ambulance-chasing pissweasel has never heard of something called the First Amendment. (That's Article I of the Bill of Rights of the United States Constitution, for all you first-year and pre-law majors out there.)
"Don Imus referred to my client as an unchaste woman. That was and is a lie."
That was Imus' opinion, sir - and you're helping her pretty much live up to it, dumbass.
Of the networks that aired "Imus in the Morning," the lawsuit alleges that they "wrongfully, intentionally, willfully ... created, tolerated and maintained an atmosphere in which the making of outrageous statements and comments was acceptable, encouraged, and/or rewarded for many years prior to this occurrence and/or overtly encouraged the statements made."
In other words, Imus and his staff faxed transcripts of every single show they've done for fucking years to these networks and their satellite stations every morning, warning them in advance of what they were going to say that day.
YeahRight™. Pull the other one, Anco-witless.
The lawsuit alleges that use of the slanderous terms was intentional and motivated by greed and financial gain: In using insults against otherwise innocent people, Imus would get higher ratings, making more money for him and his employers.
Yeah, generally, that's how shock jocks work. Been that way ever since the genre was invented. Say, roughly 40 or 50 years ago.
Among other infractions, the suit alleges that Imus violated the players' civil rights.
Oh, this oughta be good. I'd really love to know which of this bimbo's constitutional rights were violated. The right to keep & bear arms, perhaps? Having troops stationed in her house during peacetime? Security in one's papers & effects, perhaps? Maybe the one about those rights not specifically mentioned in the Constitution reverting back to the states or the people?
Inquiring minds wanna know!!!
Robert Baker, a civil trial lawyer in California, says the high visibility of Imus' comments would help Vaughn in court."Everyone knows how unwarranted those comments were. It makes it easier for them to win their case," Baker told ABC News.
"She has a slander per se case -- the word itself was something derogatory. She doesn't even have to prove that she was damaged."
No, because she's a member of the protected class, isn't she? She's a fuckin' minority, for Cthulu's sake!!! You can't say anything about her!!!
I mean, it wasn't bad enough that Imus lost his old job over it? No, this bitch Kia Vaughn is going to try and make sure she gets her pound of cracker flesh. She's going to see to it that she and the rest of Oprah's Darlings™ can say all that they want about white people, Christians, conservatives, Republicans and people that they just don't like - but let anyone make a crack about them and they get sent to the damned gulag!!!
Imus was right. Kim Vaughn and the rest of that team are a bunch of nappy-headed hos.
F.E.J.F.E 
Posted by sgc284 at 10:42 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
August 14, 2007
PFW: Stud QBs - The Next Generation
Well, if it ever comes down to our backups vs. Indy's backups in the Super Bowl, I like our chances.
Dallas 23, Indianapolis 10
Washington 14, Tennessee 6
Buffalo 13, New Orleans 10
Denver 17, San Transexual 13
Vinnie Young found out that Jeff Fisher isn't Mack Brown - IOW, he hasn't quite reached deity status in Nashville yet.
Fisher benched his ass for daring to go home to chill, rather than bother being seen with the rest of his teammates at the team hotel. And it more'n likely cost them in a preseason loss to the 'Skins (LC John Wardle can now lord it over the Grand Old Opry for a year).
...
Didn't see much of Bills-Aints, but Brees looks like he's gonna have another great year, and Reggie...well, is Reggie. (Memo to Pete Carroll: Next time on 4th down, put all your farkin' weapons on the field, AWRIGHT?!?!?!?!!!1
...
Didn't see all that much of Whiners-Broncos, either, but lemme tell you - Alex Smith is the real thing. Here comes another generation of San Transexual dominance of the NFC West. (sigh)
...
The only significant thing about the Cowboys Thursday night was that the Colts were pretty much there in name only. The starters, just as they did for the Pokes, played one quarter - and since Dallas dominated time of possession in the first, it was pretty much one-and-done for Peyton and his crew.
Romo was 10-of-11 for 93, JuJones was 6 for 22, Barber was 12 for 48 and Widdle Terri™ had a catch for eight yards. The tight ends had a good night, catching 8 passes for 113 (Romo said it was because the Colts were going with two safeties over the top pretty much all game), which was refreshing - sounds like the next generation of the Zampese offense is alive & well in Big D.
The defense got itself a pick-six (Keith Davis), and one of the backup QBs led a touchdown drive.
Would've been quite the yawner - except it's football, and we here in the Realm™ love our football. 
The PFW returns next week to thumb its nose at snoreball baseball yet again.
And a slight programming note: PFWs henceforth will be crossposted over at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler as part of an experiment. Get ready, Rotties.
Posted by sgc284 at 07:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 13, 2007
Answer that , Plante, you dumbass!
Drudge had a link to some supposedly no-spin-no-agenda (who links to Wonkette? Yeah, right. Pull the other one.) blogger type named "Fauntroy" who reported that See-BS' Wilhemina Plante was overheard
bellow[ing] to Bush: "If he's so smart, how come you lost Congress?"
To which I think my rejoinder would have been, "Plante, you fuckhead, if you're such a hot-shit reporter and your news division is all that and a bag o' chips...how come you're losing ratings???"
Just sayin'.
Posted by sgc284 at 03:51 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Rove out
Hmmm. Based on this analysis, Rove's departure is a Good Thing™. Couldn't've been better timed, in fact.
At Gillespie's urging, Bush has responded more aggressively to attacks by the Democrats on his war policies and has taken them on over excessive spending. Pushed by Gillespie, Bush has made more public appearances. The fact that Bush flew to the site of the bridge collapse in Minneapolis shows he has learned since Hurricane Katrina that for political reasons, a president must make such appearances.
Why it took Katrina for Bush to figure that out is a curiosity. But at least he took the hint.
But Rove being "the greatest political tactician in American history"? Might wanna check with this guy named Atwater on that one.
Just sayin'.
Posted by sgc284 at 11:42 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 10, 2007
Allowing a church to set its own rules: Void where prohibited by sniveling assholes
Item: Guy dies. Church agrees to make its facilities available to host the guy's funeral.
With me so far? Okay.
Then the church finds out that the dead guy was a flaming heterophobe. And that said flaming heterophobia was going to be a central theme at the funeral. Whereupon the church immediately withdraws the invitation to host.
My question: Why is this news?
An Arlington church volunteered to host a funeral Thursday, then reneged on the invitation when it became clear the dead man's homosexuality would be identified in the service.The event placed High Point Church in the cross hairs of an issue many conservative Christian organizations are discussing: how to take a hard-line theological position on homosexuality while showing compassion toward gay people and their families.
Excuse me for saying so, but "compassion" doesn't mean allowing this heterophobe's "friends" (many of which, I'm guessing, are flamers themselves) to come and flaunt their "lifestyle" in a house that worships a God who clearly condemns such behavior.
I mean, let's pretend for a minute they legalized weed, mkay? That doesn't mean that I'm going to allow it in my house, and if you bring it over in any case, you'll be shown the door, and rather rudely.
But the dispute between High Point Church and the friends and family of Cecil Sinclair has left confusion and hard feelings on both sides.
Too. Effin'. Bad. For the family, that is. Next time, leave the intimate photos where they fucking belong - on the bulletin board at the bathhouse.
Mr. Sinclair, 46, died Monday. He was a native of Fort Worth, a Navy veteran who served in Desert Storm helping rescuers find downed pilots
And that's not the issue here. Nor should it be. That the liberal assed scribe of this screed, Jeffrey Weiss, bothered to mention it at all in an attempt to gin up sympathy for the heterophobe, is a little bit...
KORRIOTH: Little???
...okay, a lot disingenuous. While we're grateful for the soldier's service to the country, that's beside the point of all this.
When Cecil Sinclair became ill with a heart condition six years ago, church members started praying for him out of love for his brother, Mr. Simons said Thursday. And when Mr. Sinclair died of an infection, a side effect of surgery intended to keep him alive long enough for a heart transplant, a member of the church staff was immediately sent to minister to the family, he said.
Which is exactly what the church should have done.
Both the family and church officials agree that the church volunteered to host a memorial service, feed 100 guests and create a multimedia presentation of photos from Mr. Sinclair's life.But the photos that the family selected alerted church officials that there might be a problem with the service, Mr. Simons said.
And it's here I blame the family. They couldn't have provided photos showing his Navy service and his particpation in the Turtle Creek Chorale? And limited it to just those photos? I mean, even though the Chroale has a certain reputation around here, it's not like they're all macking each other in one giant orgy all the time, right?
No, they apparently had to include a lot of photos with Sinclair doing a lot of "hugging & kissing". I'm willing to go out on a limb here and guess it wasn't "hugging & kissing" of the platonic type.
But that's just me.
"Some of those photos had very strong homosexual images of kissing and hugging," he said. "My ministry associates were taken aback."And then, he said, the family asked to have its own people officiate the service. "We had no control over the format of the memorial," Mr. Simons said.
Which means, in effect, the church was caught in the position of giving the fox the keys to the henhouse.
And the heterophobic swishers wring their hands in angst and wonder why the church wasn't so gung-ho with that idea.
Family and friends discovered the church had withdrawn its invitation Wednesday evening, when Lee Sinclair called to tell his mother, she said. Ms. Bowers said that her older son is developmentally disabled, with hearing and vision problems.
Yet another lame-assed attempt to gin up support for the heterophobe's family, who apparently didn't have the balls to tell their son that what he was doing was wrong.
Some "compassion".
Nobody from the church called her or Mr. Sinclair's partner, Paul Wagner, to discuss possible changes to the service, Ms. Bowers said."We could have reached a compromise," she said. "That was never attempted."
Why should they? Unless he was paying for the funeral, it's not like he was immediate family or anything. Owning the ass into which a flamer gets his rocks off doesn't automatically entitle one to any special privileges, y'know.
Now maybe they might have called the mother, but would that have avoided any of this?
Somehow, I tend to doubt it.
At least some theological questions could have been worked out, she said. For instance, the family was willing to allow the church to issue an "altar call" asking people to accept Jesus at the end of the service.
As long as they would have condoned the faggotry, that is?
But it's not clear where the two sides could have found common ground on the central issue.
Weiss, you moron - that's because there is none. To a Bible-believing, Bible-preaching church, homosexuality has always been wrong, is wrong now and always will be wrong. You tell me where a family that apparently condones the practice would find the common ground with that...?
After the church decided it would not host the funeral service, it offered to pay for another facility, Mr. Simons said. The family declined and found a local funeral home to hold the event Thursday night.Even so, the church sent over food and the video – minus the images church officials found to be offensive.
And that, right there, was the church going above and beyond the call. And Sinclair's family still finds reason to piss & moan about it.
The sad thing is that 30, 40 years ago, this half-assed excuse-for-a-family would have been ridiculed right out of town. That they're being portrayed as the protagonists now is nothing short of outrageous.
But it goes to show how far our society has slipped in just a couple of generations. Not to mention that it serves as a warning as to where we're headed in a couple more.
If we get that far.
Fuck you, Widdle Jeffy Weiss. Fuck you, Dullest Moaning Snooze.
And fuck with extreme predujice the family that decided to go whining to the media about this.
Bastards.
Posted by sgc284 at 02:45 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
August 09, 2007
PFW: So it's preseason - it's f'ball, dammit!!!
As we launch another successful year of Perfect Football Weekends™, I have to confess something:
I think I missed the NFL's Hall of Fame Game. I looked all over Civilization As I Know It™ (read: all the sports channels on Time Warner Cable ), and I could find neither hide nor hair thereof.
(And now I see why: The damn game was televised on the NFL Network. That fucking does it - I'm switching to Verizon FIOS.)
Anyway, the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the New Orleans Black & Gold Pieces of Shit Saints, 20-7. Good. Sean Payton can go oh-and-fuckin'-20 this year and it won't be enough to suit me.
Awright, so let's get down to business. As you know, in preseason I follow whatever football I can get my greedy eyes on, and if the Cowboys happen to be involved, so much the better. Which, as it happens, they are - they host the Defending Super Bowl Champion (Finally!!!)™ Indian-hapless Colts tonight at 7:00. (At the end of a blazing hot Texas summer day, but what the Hell, eh? Though actually, I think they'd rather play in Hell - it'd be cooler.) Romo will play a quarter - and likely, so will Manning. Whereupon he'll probably go and shoot another commercial. 
Friday night, CBS will have Beefalo at the aforementioned B&GPOS.
Saturday, the NFL Network (Damn you, Time Warner Cable!!!) will have the Washington Foreskins at the Tennessee Vince Youngs Titans. (We will now pause as LC John Wardle takes us to task for calling them the Foreskins. (grin))
Michaels & Madden will be in San Diego on Sunday as the Seattle Seahags take on LT & the Chargers. Rumors that Chris Young would strike out both Michaels & Madden in the 2nd quarter were unsubstantiated at press time.
Monday, a cast of what seems like thousands will be in San Transexual as the FairyWhiners host the Denver Running Backs Committee Broncos. By then, La Reina Espátula™ will have a permanent dent in her iron skillet from the back of my head.
We're back on Monday to offer a half-hearted recap and thanks to the Football Gawds™ that we no longer have to pay attention to the Texass stRangers.
Posted by sgc284 at 07:00 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
August 08, 2007
On Captain Steroid and his so-called "record"
Prior to last weekend, the major-league baseball record for career homeruns was held by Hank Aaron, with 755.
Today, the major-league baseball record for career homeruns is held by...Hank Aaron, with 755.
Yes, I've read last night's news.
No, I don't give a shit what it says.
As far as I'm concerned, the number of career homeruns off the bat of one Barry "Captain Steroid" Bonds is whatever he hit prior to his juicing up...say, about 300 homeruns or so ago. Steroids are responsible for the remainder of them. In other words, this overgrown (literally, thanks to 'roids) assclown cheated to get where he was today. He broke the rules to gain an unfair advantage, which got him in the position where he now finds himself.
(Not terribly unlike a certain fat-assed redhead bitch about 90 minutes east of here, but that's another rant for another post.)
And what's even more ludicrous is his claim that "he didn't know they were steroids".
WTF? Denizens, neither you nor I so much as pop a sesame seed in our mouths without knowing full well what's in it, and El Freakboy claims he didn't know what he was taking?!?!?!
Fuck that.
Ergo, this blog and this scribe categorically refuse to honor or recognize any homerun record laid claim to by Barry "Captain Steroid" Bonds.
F.E.T.E, as the Imperial Torturer is wont to say.
Posted by sgc284 at 07:42 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
August 07, 2007
(Insert picture of rolled eyes here)
Oh, wow. It's National Night Out.
Yippee. Ha-ha. Whee.
Listen, guys, I have a "National Night Out" with La Reina Espátula every night we go out for a walk.
Because I always take my good friend Mr. Glock with us.
The rest of you sheeple have fun with your "National Night Out". Have fun singing "Kum Ba Yah", mkay?
As for me & mine, I think we'll be okay. 
Posted by sgc284 at 10:38 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 05, 2007
Almost there...
Okay, Denizens, without going into too much detail (for fear we'll jinx it, y'know), we're closing in on new Realm™ Headquarters.
MERLIN: Y'don't say?!
KORRIOTH: About farkin' time!!
OZY MCCOOL: Finally!!!
KORRIOTH: (slaps McCool upside the head) Shut up! You haven't even been here six months!!!
OZY MCCOOL: (rubs head gingerly) Have too!!!
LSIK&T: You're forgetting the time he spent as a cadet, Korrioth.
KORRIOTH: Oh, right! In that cushy little dormitory where the Earthers sleep!
LSIK&T: Earthers like me, Railroad-track Head?
KORRIOTH: (opens his mouth, remembers whom he's addressing, thinks better of it) Uh...you know what I meant, m'Lord.
LSIK&T: (grunt)
Start praying, guys. If all goes well, we can actually start planning Texas Blogfest '07.
THE SPATULAGODDESS™: About time, hon.
LSIK&T: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Posted by sgc284 at 10:06 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
August 03, 2007
Memo to Mr. Henderson: Sssssshhhhhhh!!!!
Okay, so Denizen and fellow blogger Alan K. Henderson knows I get all ga-ga-eyed whenever I see Bollywood hottie Aishwarya Rai.
Whereupon, he sends me this...
Uh, Alan? You do remember I'm married now, right...? 
Posted by sgc284 at 06:18 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
August 01, 2007
Happy Anniversary, El Rushbo!
The all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful MahaRushie celebrated his show's nineteenth (See?) anniversary today.
Mr. Henderson has the details.
Posted by sgc284 at 10:06 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack