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July 26, 2008

Spats sees dead people

[SCENE:  In His Rudeness' quarters.  Pegasus  is en route to the Shelliak homeworld, having destroyed its flagship without firing a shot.  Captain Korrioth, on orders from Lord Spatula, has dutifully transmitted footage of the "battle" to the Shelliak, along with a pointed message that they were not  happy campers.

Spats, having downed the aforementioned keg of peach-tea-flavored Theragen derivative, is now attempting to rest before the next encounter.  A chime, the location of which Our Hero™ cannot place, is insisting on his attention.

Spats sits up in bed, palms trying unsuccessfully to push back the throbbing migraine-like pain shooting out of his eye sockets.]

LSIK&T:  I don't suppose you have any Generic Acetominiphen-Based Pain Reliever Food Substitute™ over there, do you, Allan-a-Dale?

[I hate it when he calls me that.]

LSIK&T:  I know.  That's why I do it. 

[Sorry, m'lord, no.  McCool took the last six I had - something about too much Romulan ale again.]

LSIK&T:  That does it; I'm getting me a sober Chief Engineer.  [The chime sounds again.]  WHAT?!?!?!?!?

[A holographic figure rises from the floor.  As Spats was earlier, this figure is also wearing a hooded cloak.]

HOODED FIGURE:  You have done well, my you...my middle-aged padawan.

[Spats squints at the figure with one half-open eye.]

LSIK&T:  Aren't you dead?

HOODED FIGURE:  What I am or am not is not important.  What is  important---

LSIK&T:  And I'm not your padawan, either!  You never gave me  any formal Sith training, Palpy, remember?  I learned at the hand of Darth Mortis, if you'll recall.

HOODED FIGURE:  You will properly address me as 'Master', my apprentice.

LSIK&T:  You're lucky I'm only calling you Palpy, and I said  I'm not your padawan!

HOODED FIGURE:  But you have  used your Sith talents again.  I felt the disturbance in the Force.  It is why I am here - to start you back on your training.

LSIK&T:  Well, to paraphrase a little green mutual acquaintance of ours, I need no further training.  Already know all I'm going to need.

HOODED FIGUREYou know nothing of the Dark Side of the Force, padawan.  You still require much training to become truly powerful.

LSIK&T:  I already am  truly powerful.  I'm alive, have my powers and  rule my own little part of the galaxy.

[Spats raises an eyebrow at the hooded hologram]

LSIK&T:  Which is more than I can say for you  as of late.

[A look of extreme rage crosses the hooded one's face and he raises his arms and reaches out towards His Rudeness.]

LSIK&T (quickly):  But if it'll make you happy - and  get you out of my hair - I suppose I can go by my Sith name a little more often.  Satisfied?

HOODED FIGURE:  It is your name as chosen by the Sith Brotherhood.  You are required to identify yourself by that name.

LSIK&T:  You forget, Palpy - I'm a free man.  The Sith long ago demonstrated they did not need me - nor I them, for that matter.

[At that moment, the migraine decides to remind Our Hero™ just why he's in his quarters in the first place.  Spats winces noticeably.]

LSIK&T:  Nor do I need you  RightAboutNow™.  Off with you, before I scramble yer molecules.

HOODED FIGURE:  This is not yet over, my padawan.  You will address me as "Master" eventually.  I have foreseen it.

LSIK&T:  Yeah, yeah, just like you foresaw Endor.  Now git!!!

[The image fades from view.  It is replaced by the ship's intercom.]

KORRIOTH (over speaker):  Bridge to the Admiral.  We are within visual range of the Shelliak homeworld.  They have sent another "welcoming committee"; you may wish to see this.

LSIK&T (under breath):  Aw, shit.  (towards speaker) Very well, Captain.  I'm on my way.

(To be continued...)

Posted by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant at July 26, 2008 10:39 AM

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