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FOUR!

Denizens, for this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend, we’ll point out that, while Widdle Mikey Sam may be the first limp-wristed douchebag to kiss his fellow butt-buddy on ESPN for all the fucking world to see – he is not&#160 the first faggot in the NFL.

One of those who preceded him, in fact, just shook down the Minne-haha ViQueens for a wad of dough.

Calling his settlement with the Minnesota Vikings an opportunity “to do a lot of good for a lot of people,” Chris Kluwe announced his fight with the team is over.

The Vikings and Kluwe’s attorney Clayton Halunen announced Tuesday morning that they had reached a settlement to resolve the former punter’s allegations of homophobic behavior by the team. It put the issue to rest 7½ months after Kluwe first published his allegations and avoids the prospect of a lengthy legal battle.

The Vikings had initially announced a $100,000 contribution to charities that support lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender causes, and they will make additional contributions to five LGBT-friendly charities over the next five years. The team will also enhance sensitivity training that is already required throughout the organization.

The parties did not announce the financial terms of the settlement, but Kluwe said he will not receive any money.

Raise your hand if you believe that.

(crickets)

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

The turd claims he was discriminated against & cut because he’s a faggot.&#160 I tend to think it’s because he’s a shitty football player.

But that’s just me.

Tonight, we’ve got the Cowgirlz in the South Beach swamp to play the Dolphins.&#160 If they continue to improve as they did last week, I expect a victory tonight.&#160 Particularly since the Fins still aren’t all that good.&#160 But we’ll see.

I may also have an opinion on some other matchups this weekend, such as Panther-Patriot, Jet-Douchebag and/or REDSKIN!!!!!!-Raven.

That recap will be either Monday or Tuesday.&#160 See you then.

Not quite as easy&#160 as you first thought, is&#160 it, San Diego?

at Dallas 30, Baltimore 37

at Seattle 41, San Diego 14

at The Washington REDSKINS, YOU PROFESSIONALLY OFFENDED BASTARDS 24, Cleveland 23

The Chargers were crowing about their offense after cutting through Dallas’ reserves like the proverbial hot knife through butter.

Then that hot knife ran into a stone.

—

This game could have gone into ovetime (and would have, had new Cleveland coach Mike Pettine been a little more conventional about things), but a pass on a two-point conversion to win the game on the last play went high.

Pettine still hasn’t named his Game 1 starter.&#160 Maybe he’s waiting for Brian Hoyer to flip some team off before he does.&#160

—

This Cowboy offense could be something special.

(Yeah, yeah, I know – it’ll have to be, ’cause there’s no D in Allas.&#160 Got it.)

The line can block, the backs can run…and when El Choko isn’t putting the ball on the ground, he’s got receivers that can catch the thing, too.

As to the mistakes…yes, it could be argued that, minus the fumbled exchange to Murray (returned for a touchdown) and the crappy special teams play (over 200 yards for the game), the C’boys offense outscore the Ravens offense.

Then again, when you have a 14-7 lead even before your offense has taken the field, how hard do you really have to try, hm?

The PFW will return Saturday, when I talk about something – what I don’t know.

Just another day on the farm! 🙂

Denizens, this’ll be a quickie Perfect Football Weekend&#153, because Saturday chores overwhelmed us to the point that we ran out of time, but I do have a bone to pick with the NFL.

In the preseason, the NFL home office always issues what are called “points of emphasis” when it comes to new rules – or, in this case, a crackdown renewed emphasis on old rules.&#160 This year, it’s the “defensive holding” and “illegal contact” penalties that we’re always screaming about not being called.

Except now they are.&#160 Every play.&#160 Every.&#160 Damned.&#160 Play.

And it’s slowing the game down to being almost even more unwatchable than all y’all are screaming that it is now.

Sigh.

Awright, let’s get on with it.&#160 We’ve already had a couple o’ games already, which I’ll touch on in the recap on Monday.&#160 I’m writing this as Baltimore’s starters are torching Dallas’ backups (it’s 24-10 now).&#160 Yeah, Little Juanita Harbaugh.&#160 Real ballsy of ya.

It is any wonder that the Harbaughs are considered (in these quarters, anyway) as the pussies of the NFL?

We’re back on Monday (I hope) with something resembling a recap.

[SCENE:&#160 Onboard ISS Vengeance, inside Admiral Darth Venomous’ quarters.&#160 Lt. T-Bone McManx, ship’s communications officer, has just entered & handed His Rudeness&#153 a data padd.

Venomous takes the padd, reads it, and hangs his head in grieving.&#160 After a moment, he looks up.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Thank you, T-bone, that’ll be all.

T-BONE McMANX:&#160 Aye, sir.&#160 [McManx exits.]

[Venoumous slumps in his chair as if badly discouraged.&#160 He remains that way for minutes, then straightens and reaches for the comm panel.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Venomous to Korrioth.

[A brief pause, then the general’s booming voice crashes through the speaker.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 nuqneH?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Come to my quarters, please, General.

[One can almost hear the hesitation in Korrioth’s response.&#160 The last time the admiral requested Korrioth’s presence in his cabin, it wasn’t a pleasant thing.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 On my way.

[Two minutes later, Korrioth is standing at attention in front of the admiral.]

KORRIOTH:&#160 Reporting as ordered, m’lord.

[Venomous hands Korrioth the padd.&#160 Korrioth begins to read.]

StarTrek.com is saddened to report the passing of Arlene Martel, who died on August 12 following a heart attack. The veteran television and film actress had a career that spanned parts of seven decades, dating back to the golden age of television, but she was arguably best known for her role as T’Pring in the “Amok Time” episode of Star Trek: The Original Series.

[Korrioth finishes and looks back at the admiral.&#160 It is difficult to deal with the news of the death of his mother, even moreso in front of his superior officer.&#160 Venomous breaks the silence.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Take whomever you need with you, my friend.&#160 Our next mission can wait.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Admiral, I…I would request the entire senior staff accompany me.&#160 Including yourself, sir.

[Venomous ponders this a moment, then looks back up at his half-Vulcan, half-Klingon exec, saying nothing. He then reaches for the comm panel.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 Venomous to bridge.&#160 Mr. K’hadibak’h.

K’HADIBAK’H (through the speaker):&#160 Bridge. K’hadibak’h.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Set course for Vulcan, K’ha.&#160 Maximun warp.

K’HADIBAK’H (through the speaker):&#160 Aye, sir.

VENOMOUS (looking back at Korrioth):&#160 It would be my honor, General.

[Cut to exterior view as ISS Vengeance&#160 shoots into warp.]

—

The Realm&#153 offers its condolences to Arlene Martel’s family.

I’ll grant them this much:&#160 They upgraded their backup quarterback.

Dallas 7, at San Diego 27

at Detroit 13, Cleveland 12

at Arizona 32, Houston 0

Houston appears to have ditched Case Keenum for…Ryan Fitzpatrick?

Picked by the same Little Willie O’Brien who…decided to succeed Joe Paterno at Penn State.

This guy ain’t the sharpest push pin on the bulletin board, is he?

Sorry, General.&#160 Gonna be another long year in Houston.

—

Johnny Football looked pretty good.&#160 For a rookie.&#160 Cleveland quarterback.

(Yeah, I know – but they haven’t had anyone halfway decent since Kosar, so cut’m some slack, mkay?)

—

The Cowboys…can run.

And run well.

Good.&#160 Maybe El Choko won’t be quite as…er…um…exposed&#160 this year.

They’re gonna have to run…to shorten games and keep that POS defense off the field.

Let’s make one thing clear, Charger fans.&#160 You moved the ball on a swiss cheese defense the other night.&#160 You ain’t gonna do that against Kansas City.

There were a couple of bright spots:&#160 Brandon Weeden is definitely a serviceable backup quarterback. He looks a damned sight better than Kyle “Take His Ball & Go Home” Orton.

And…as much as I hate this clown and hate to admit it…the Cowboys may have found a safety that can bring some wood to the defense.&#160 I refer, of course, to Ahmad “Thug” Dixon, late of the Baylor Douchewads.&#160 Guy can hit & tackle.&#160 I give him three weeks, tops, before Jason “Red Headed Jesus” Garrett decides Dixon needs to start.

—

The PFW will return Saturday, when we will decry hanky-happy zebras and the No Fun League that employs them.

As his Rudeness kicks off another PFW season, I find myself thinking football whether I want to or not.

Last week I had the pleasure of attending a conference in Seward Nebraska which was attended by Lutherans from all over the Country. Among those attendees was a young lady from Green Bay; when I asked her about season tickets, it seems that her family has been on the waiting list for years, and is still years away from the top. According to her, and others, Green bay Season ticket holders put their tickets in their wills.

One just has to admire that level of loyalty.

Now if we could just engender that sort of loyalty to the Church.

Denizens we’re gonna get the Perfect Football Weekend&#153 machine started up with a Pro Football Hall of Fame&#153 induction that makes the bastards at Nobel look positively legit.

The excuse-for-an-inductee:&#160 Widdle Mikey Gaptooth

Strahan’s pro career got off at a turtle’s pace, as well. A foot injury limited his rookie campaign of 1993 to just nine games. Despite starting 15 games in ’94, Strahan posted a mere 4.5 sacks. The next year, New York’s defense was supposed to be a top-notch unit … until Dallas stormed Giants Stadium on the season’s first Monday night and rocked Big Blue 35-0 in front of a national television audience. Throughout that season and the next, though, Strahan began to hold his own, but still only produced a grand total of 12.5 sacks — not even close to Hall of Fame production for an edge player. Strahan showed potential in these early years, but he was still learning the game and definitely took his share of lumps.

Then in 1997, a light bulb seemed to come on under new defensive coordinator John Fox. Strahan got to the quarterback 14 times and earned first-team All-Pro honors. Meanwhile, Big Blue rode its defense to a playoff berth. The guy who barely knew the sport had developed into a dominant force. Over the next 10 years, Strahan racked up 109.5 sacks, including an NFL-record 22.5 in 2001 — a feat which earned him that season’s Defensive Player of the Year award. And of course, he rounded out his career by winning a ring in his final game.

That “NFL record” sack he got?&#160 Brett “Hey, Jen, lookit my wang!” Favre laying down for the bastard.

Here…have a look:

Boy howdy, he sure’s hell “earned” that one, didn’t he?

Add to that the fact that shitty officiating gave the NY Football Douchebags both&#160 of their recent Super Bowl wins – yeah, I said both&#160 of ’em, you East Coast fuckheads – and there’s absolutely no fucking doubt that this is the least deserving HOF inductee ever.&#160 (Well, at least until Donna McCrabby & his soup-hawkin’ mommykins get their ugly asses in.)

Let’s get to the football.&#160 Right now, we have the annual Harbaugh Bowl&#153, with Baltimore’s John taking on San Transexual’s Jim in preseason f’ball (Balt’s up 10-3, and just intercepted the Whiners’ eighth-string QB at their 25).&#160 On the toob this weekend will be games like Saints-Rams & Browns-Lions.&#160 Yawners, except we should get to see the NFL debut of Johnny Football, so there’s that.

Tonight, it’ll be the C’girlz vs. the SanDiego…SuperCharrrrrgerssssss!!!! (a little Chris Berman lingo, there).&#160 Romo’s not playing, so the ‘Girlz might actually win.

Oh, but Phillip Rivers will probably play a series & throw a touchdown. Never mind.

We’re back Monday or so with something resembling a recap.

Ladies & gentlemen…I give you your&#160 2014 Darwin Award winner.

Oscar Aguilar is a man about town in Mexico City, documenting his indulgent endeavors through a slue of selfies on Facebook. Perusing his page, Aguilar is seen posing for pictures in front of sports cars, perched atop expensive motorbikes, and of course the quintessential photos any respectable album must have — your’s truly embracing attractive women.

Aguilar needed to add more bang to his Facebook pictures, so naturally the next step was a selfie with a gun. Knowing how to use it was of lesser importance than impressing his internet friends with the photo — Aguilar accidentally shot himself in the head while posing with the gun that he failed to realize was loaded, United Kingdom’s ‘Metro‘ reported.

The 21-year-old social media phenom died on the way to the hospital in Mexico City.

What.&#160 A.&#160 Dumbass.

Denizens, the “decision” to which I had referred back in April (yeah, yeah, I know…some “next few days”, eh, Venomous?) was going to be to close This Fine Blog&#153.&#160 I have neither the time, nor inclination anymore, to write.

I have a new house.&#160 The workload at my job is ponderous.&#160 Ponderous, man, fuckin’ ponderous! (a little Casey Kasem lingo, there)&#160 And not to put too fine a point on it…certain in the Blogosphere have proven to me that it’s not worth putting up with it.

But, having said all that…I still have one last Perfect Football Weekend&#153 season left in me.

Those of you who’ve read me for any length of time know that about this time every year, I start jonesing for football (not to be confused with Jerry Jonesing for football, which means making stupid-assed decisions year after year, thinking having a Victoria’s Secret© at AT&T Stadium is more important than having a winning football team on that house’s field, that sort of thing), which means everything & everyone else take back seats.

So here we are.&#160 Once more through the breech, dear friends.

Same rules as always: I follow my teams here, you follow your teams in comments.&#160 I don’t give two flying fucks at rolling donut holes how your teams do – just how mine do.&#160 And the football weekend isn’t Perfect unless all my teams win.&#160 (Unless I declare Executive Fiat&#153, which will always come with an explanation.)

Here are the teams I’m following:

1.&#160 High school:&#160 The (Fort Worth) Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets.&#160 Year Two for Phil Young and the Jackets, and the good news this year is that Aledo (a 7-84 loss last year) is not on the schedule.&#160 Thus, a 5-5 playoff team from last year looks to have a better season.&#160 They start with White Settlement Brewer (wait, not Azle? not Birdville?) in four weeks.

2.&#160 College:&#160 The Texas Christian University Horned Frogs.&#160 Year Three in the Big 12 11 10 However Many There Are for Gary Patterson and the Tadpoles.&#160 GP still has the delustional idea that Trevone Boykin is a quarterback, so look for another 4-8 year or so. But he has a couple of new offensive co-coordinators, and he still has a decent enough defense, so we’ll see what happens.&#160 Now to see which teams are crappy enough to lose to them…

3.&#160 Pro:&#160 The Dallas Cowboys.&#160 Another year, another Sean Lee season-ending injury – this time before training camp even starts.&#160 His knee, of course.&#160 Thus, a defense that was already suspect is probably going to be just as bad this year.

One more new piece for the offensive line, plus a new play caller (Scott Linehan), and they’ll have to keep the Cowgirls in games again.

Look for 6-10, and Jason “Red-Headed Jebus” Garrett’s exit from the franchise shortly thereafter.

—

In addition, this year we’ll play things a little differently.&#160 I’ll pick one or two games at random that interest me – some from past PFW teams, some from teams that have never shown up here before.&#160 (Look for Turner Gill’s Liberty University team a lot here.&#160 And anytime I sense that one of my least favorite teams is going to get their heads kicked in – you know, SMU, Arkansas, Boise State, that sort – it’ll show up in the list.)

—

Now, I was hoping to at least have a blurb about the Hall of Fame Game&#153 in Canton prior to publication, but that home thing reared its ugly head again.&#160 So I’ll just mention that the NY Football Douchebags beat Buffalo last night – seriously, who doesn’t&#160 beat Buffalo? – and leave it at that.

We’ll return Thursday with the first installment of the season, when I rip the Hall of Fame committee (or whomever picks these guys) for one of their stupid-assed selections.

The question has been axed…yeah, I said “axed”, come say it to my face if that pisses you off…if Yours Truly intends to host a Perfect Football Weekend&#153 this year.

And the answer is…maybe.

I mean, at this point…what with This Fine Blog&#153 having basically gone the way of Yeah, Right, Whatever, and its pithy readership having trudged off for blogs that actually update…who’s gonna read it?

Still, there’s probably gonna be things about which I can vent, so we’ll see.

Now, to go find some non-Core teams that don’t disappoint from week to week…

Nine years and counting, Revvvvv’r’nnnnnnd&#160 Chickenshit.

Recently a Christian cadet at the US Air Force Academy was forced to remove a Bible verse from a white board outside his room because it was supposedly an improper mixing of Church and State. Before that Christian business people were disciplined by their respective states because the understood it to be a sin to support same sex weddings by making cakes, taking pictures or doing flowers. Currently there is yet another attempt to remove the “Ground Zero” cross, because it supposedly establishes a state religion, as do Christian Christmas decorations on public property. With all these things going on, you would think that our government would avoid religious entanglement like the plague, right?

It seems not! read this, but beware it just may cause your blood pressure to go through the roof!

It seems that our wussy president just cannot resist kowtowing to the Islamic extremists!

He is risen indeed!

Hallelujah!!!

On this day we celebrate yet again the objective fact that our Lord has indeed risen, and in doing so has conquered Death and the Devil!!!

He is Risen!!!