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Way to go, butterfingers.

MERLIN:&#160 Which one?

VENOMOUS:&#160 Yes.

at Arizona 12, Dallas 7

Didn’t see enough of any one other game to render a rant one way or the other, and I don’t have time to post links.

But I saw Cowgirl-Cardinal, and I took away two things:

1) Alex Tanney is a better quarterback than either Tony Romo or Kyle Orton.

2) It’ll always be something&#160 with this sorry bunch.&#160 It’ll either be turnovers, or they can’t block, or they can’t get to the quarterback, or something.&#160 But this team won’t get anywhere this year.&#160 Maybe never again.

The defense will be okay – the 4-3 seems to agree with these guys.

But Romo sucks, and Orton sucks, and they probably won’t even keep&#160 Tanney, so…

The PFW will return either Thursday or Friday.&#160 Hopefully I’ll have something by then.

Ever since Senator Ted Cruz (Conservative-TX) began his ascendancy, the Pansy-assed ProgNazi Pussies&#153 on the left have been making a big deal about how he’s supposedly&#160 not a U.S. citizen.&#160 They fear (as they rightly should) that Cruz will someday run for president, and they want to use the very same argument that they’ve been sneering at for lo these past five years concerning their own limp-wristed crapweasel, the ball-less, dickless effeminate in the White House.

(I had a “friend” of mine try a similar tactic once.&#160 I used a certain argument as my platform in a presidential run for a certain “hah skrewl” (little Rush lingo, there) organization.&#160 The jackass sneered at the argument, voted for my opponent – then used the exact same argument himself&#160 in a vice-presidential bid of his own.&#160 And rightly got his head handed him.)

Except B. HUSSEIN!!!!!&#160 Obambi never produced a bona fide&#160 copy of his&#160 birth certificate – and Cruz…well…

Though he’s clearly a U.S. citizen, he may face a decision about his Canadian citizenship if he runs for president.

Leave it to the sniveling leftists at the Dullest Moaning Snooze to try & deflect the fact that Cruz just kicked their asses.

Again.

Take that, libtard doucherifles!

Attitudes such as this, create the dependency class that our President relies on for so much of his support.

Denizens, as we begin the next installation of the Perfect Football Weekend, we take our first look of the year at the Second Coming Of The Greatest Quarterback Ever In The History Of Ever, Ever, EVAH!!!!!&#153…also known as ARRRRRRRRRRR GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!1!!ONE!1!ELEVENTY!!!.

Between the end of last year & now, the Lame Stream Limp-Wristed Media had been, unwittingly, doing their damndest to actually make the Second Coming&#153…palatable&#160 to Yours Truly&#153.

There were whispers about how he was…(gasp, arrrgh!!!)…a CHRIIIIISSSSSSTIIIIAAAANNNNNN!!!!!! – and even worse…A CONSERRRRRVAAAATIIIIVVVVVE!!!!!

Black conservatives are blasting ESPN analyst Rob Parker for his racially-charged attack on Washington Redskin quarterback Robert Griffin III for being a suspected Republican sympathizer.

On-air, Parker declared Griffin, an African-American, “not one of us” and accused him of being a “cornball brother” because he has a white fiancé and allegedly has Republican leanings.

Members of Project 21, a national leadership group of black conservatives, today spoke out against Parker’s accusation that Griffin is not “down with the (black) cause.”

Well, you guys can relax.&#160 He’s one of y’all.

Liberal, that is.&#160 Weiner-style:

I’ve heard of professional athletes bouncing in and out of marriages, but Robert Griffin III tied the knot with college sweetheart Rebecca Liddicoat less than two weeks ago and their relationship is already on the rocks.

The Washington Redskins‘ star apparently has a weakness for the waitresses over at Hooters because according to multiple media outlets, RG3 has been caught sexting with Hooters employee Meredith Barber. Hailing from Virginia, Barber is currently a student at VCU and works at Hooters as well. The details of the supposed scandal are pretty murky, yet the most important thing is that pictures of the two together have surfaced and more are apparently on the way.

And he Sure’s Hell&#153 ain’t no fucking conservative.

Former Baylor quarterback Robert Griffin III thinks the time is now for gay players to come out.

The Washington Redskins star told GQ magazine that he feels the “window is now” for gay players.

“I think there are [gay players] right now, and if they’re looking for a window to just come out, I mean, now is the window,” Griffin said. “My view on it is, yes, I am a Christian, but to each his own. You do what you want to do. If some Christians want to look at being gay as a sin, then thinking about other women, committing adultery—or any of those other sins that are in the Bible—those are sins, too. And God looks at all of us the same way.”

Yeah, dumbass – as a fucking embarrassment when we refuse to stand up for His standards.

Thanks, LSM – you’ve given me new reasons to despise his ugly ass this year.

On with the football.&#160 Cowgirlz-Cardinals is on tomorrow, which is what’ll be on this toob whilst the Sibling Unit&#153 and I are trying to get me packed.

We’ve already had games like Lions-Browns, Falcons-Ravens, Bucs-Pats (“Braaaaaadeeeeee SPRAINED HIS ANKLE!!!!&#160 OHNOES!!!!!!!”) and FairyWhiners-Pocahontases.&#160 Maybe I can include a couple of those in the recap.

On Sunday, we’ll get Indian-hapless at the NY Football Douchebags, then on Monday it’s the Steelers versus the aforementioned Second Coming&#153 and the Foreskins.

We’ll try to have a recap Tuesday, since Mondays aren’t working very well for us.

Didn’t get a chance to watch much, Denizens, but I took one thing away from it all:

Kyle Orton is a better quarterback than “El Choko”.

Cincinnati 34, at Atlanta 10

Houston 27, at Minne-haha 13

at Oakland 19, Dallas 17

NY Football Douchebags 18, Pittsburgh 13

Beefalo 44, at Indian-hapless 20

Giovani Bernard ran for a touchdown, and Josh Johnson directed two second-quarter TD drives as the Cincinnati Bengals cruised to a 34-10 preseason-opening win over the Atlanta Falcons on Thursday night.

Bernard, a second-round draft pick from North Carolina competing for a significant share of the Bengals’ carries, played behind returning starter BenJarvus Green-Ellis and had 10 carries for 28 yards, including a 1-yard touchdown run. He added three catches for 16 yards.

—

DeAndre Hopkins caught a 34-yard touchdown pass for the Houston Texans in a 27-13 preseason victory Friday over the Minnesota Vikings.

Hopkins, the 27th overall pick in the 2013 NFL Draft, had four receptions for 52 yards. Patterson, taken two slots later, caught four passes for 54 yards and returned the opening kickoff 50 yards.

—

Bills rookie EJ Manuel threw for 107 yards and broke a 13-13 tie with a 17-yard TD pass with 14 seconds left in the first half to lead Buffalo past the Indianapolis Colts, 44-20 on Sunday.

He finished 16 of 21 with a quarterback rating of 102.6 and wasn’t sacked though he was credited with a fumble after botching a handoff to C.J. Spiller, which led to a Colts field goal.

—

Once again, the Douchebags held on every damned play.

Once again, Vickie Cruz caught a touchdown pass from E-why the Woman.

And did his little mambo.

And once again, I found myself wishing I was an NFL linebacker, so I could target Vickie’s knees.

(sigh)

—

The Dallas defense looks like it might actually be good this year.&#160 It got another couple of turnovers.

Unfortunately, it showed once again that it’s going to have problems with fleet, mobile quarterbacks.

The Second Coming&#153 must be licking her chops.&#160 (Yes – I said her.)

Kyle Orton led Dallas to its first touchdown. El Choko had problems competing a screen pass.&#160 The running game continued to look improved from last year,and the light appears to have finally come on for Dez Bryant, which is good.

Now if they only had a quarterback who could get the ball to him.

We’ll see what we can do about getting another PFW in the can Thursday or Friday.&#160 See you then.

Denizens, since I don’t feel like writing at the moment, go read this from the good Professor (actually, his associate Andrew Branca) over at Legal Insurrection.

Be prepared to do a helluva&#160 lotta head-shaking.

You wouldn’t think the death of a character actress would get this kind of notice from Yours Truly&#153 – but then, this wasn’t your garden-variety character actress.

Karen Black, an actress whose roles in several signature films of the late 1960s and ’70s included a prostitute who shared an LSD trip with the bikers played by Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda in “Easy Rider” and a waitress unhappily devoted to the alienated musician played by Jack Nicholson in “Five Easy Pieces,” died on Thursday in Los Angeles. She was 74.

The cause was complications of cancer, her husband, Stephen Eckelberry, said. Ms. Black’s battle with ampullary cancer, a rare form similar to pancreatic cancer, became public in March when she and Mr. Eckelberry sought contributions on a fund-raising Web site to pay for an experimental treatment.

Ms. Black began her career as a stage ingénue but was never really the ingénue on the screen. A rangy, imperfect beauty — her eyes were set ever so slightly off-kilter — she spent the better part of a decade as one of the movies’ most vivid character actresses. At a time when the women’s movement was surging, she rarely played the self-liberating woman — as did, say, Ellen Burstyn or Jill Clayburgh — but she was often a brassy, attention-grabbing presence in films whose main characters were men.

I’m sure she was okay in those flicks – but my&#160 memory of her was in the disaster flick Airport 1975 – a movie I saw between 25 – 30 times in the theater alone.

And near as I can recall, she was the first woman I ever looked at and thought, “Damn, she’s hawwwwt!!!!!”.&#160 (For a pre-teen entering puberty, that’a a milestone event, y’know.&#160 &#160 )

(And no, I’m not gonna talk about her in Five Easy Pieces, because I never saw that flick.&#160 Jack Nicholson ain’t my cup o’ tea.)

Gonna miss you, Karen.&#160 You were one of the good ones.

…and I’ve dealt with Mikey Cortese, so that’s saying something.

Take a look at this letter-to-the-editor which appeared in the Dullest Moaning Snooze the other day:

Our country is facing some serious medical and legal issues resulting from our love of violent sports, and we must find alternatives to those dangerous activities.

For example, flag football could easily replace the violent version of football, and it can be more exciting than basketball, baseball, soccer, tennis or golf.

One good way to play the game involves two quarterbacks passing the ball back and forth while being chased by a pass rusher in the backfield. He forces the quarterback with the ball to find an open receiver downfield or to dump the ball to the other quarterback, creating many exciting moments.

And since every play is a pass play, and every offensive player is an eligible receiver, there are more play options available than in a regular football game. When the athletes no longer need bulky pads and helmets, their increased speed and agility makes their patterns more precise, and the game more thrilling.

Well, yeah, maybe.&#160 If you like your tiddlywinks with an oblong ball, that is.

But check out the money quote:

However, if people still prefer the violent sports which bring millions of injuries to children and adults, then they probably have serious issues which go well beyond the subject of sports.

Okay, now that we’ve established that this guy’s a pansy-ass, here’s&#160 the kicker:

Joseph Carducci, Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh.&#160 As in, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.&#160 As in, Steeler Country.

One could postulate that there is a very&#160 good reason that this didn’t appear in, say, the Post-Gazette.&#160 Can you imagine how many Steeler fans would be hunting this chickenshit RightAboutNow&#153?

Congratulations, Reverend Mykki.&#160 I finally found someone who has even less balls than you do.

Now for the football.&#160 We have Andy Dalton’s Cincinnati Bengals traveling to Hotlanta to hook up with the Falcons tonight on the Four-Lettered Network™ I’ll try to keep an eye on that one.

Tomorrow night, we have Gary Kubiak’s Houston Texans going up to Minne-haha to play the Vi-Queens.&#160 TV around here, though, will be showing Cowgirlz-RAAAAAIIIIIDUHHHHHHS around 9:00-ish.&#160 ‘Girlz safety Matt Johnson is back home on the sideline with an injury, so all is back to normal.

Saturday night we’ll have the NY Football Douchebags playing the aforementioned Steelers of Pittsburgh.&#160 Widdle Joey Carducci can identify with his fellow pusstard, E-why (Wo)Manning.

Sunday, we have Beefalo traveling to Indian-hapless to launch Year Two of the Andrew Luck Era&#153. Again, no one of note will play many snaps.

We’re back Monday with the recaps.&#160 In the meantime, do I have a Denizen in Pittsburgh, by chance…?&#160

Got this off a friend of mine off Facebook.

A Coyote Tale…

CALIFORNIA:
===========

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor’s dog, then bites the Governor.

The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.

The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.

The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training regarding the nature of coyotes.

PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

TEXAS:
======

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging.

The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

Yeppers…

Some NFL team is going to get a quality running back off the waiver wire.

From the Cowboys’ roster.

Dallas 24, Miami 20 (Hall of Fame Game, Canton, OH)

Remember that I said that “Nobody of note plays more than one series, and Miami’s backups will, as usual, turn out to be more talented & better-coached than Dallas’ backups”?

Romo didn’t play.&#160 Neither did Murray, Bryant, Austin or Witten.&#160 The entire first-string defense got held out, too – from Demarcus Ware on down.&#160 For Miami, Ryan Tannehill only played a series’ worth or so.

But Dallas’ backups – at least, the second-stringers, anyway – comported themselves well.&#160 Devonte Holloman took a pick-six back 75 yards, and running backs Phillip Tanner and rookie Joseph Randle both gashed what Fin threw out there to defend.

Combined with Lance Dunbar and the aforementioned DeMarco Murray, Dallas has a glut at running back.&#160 Granted, this is better than last year, when it was really not much more than Felix “Bust” Jones backing up Murray.&#160 But we’re not coming out of camp with four, so someone’s getting a good back.

On the whole, given that the first preseason game last year was a boring 3-0 piece o’ shit, I would take this – if&#160 the ‘Girlz were in the PFW.

Which will return either Thursday or Friday, depending on what makes it to the toob this next week. Be here!

I wouldn’t have called “Linda”.

I would have walked around back to my chair, grabbed this Emily bitch by her ugly red mane, forcefully introduced her face to my knee, dragged her carcass to the front door of the building and thrown her fat ass out on the sidewalk.

But that’s just me.&#160

UPDATE:&#160 Oh, and I would have kept the fucking chair.

Srsly, Haverty’s – you’re not persuading me to even darken your doorstep, much less buy any of your furniture.

Denizens, as we begin another year of the long series that constitutes the Perfect Football Weekend&#153, the Department of Tell Me He Didn’t Just Say That brings us…T-Sip Shortdicks Texas Longhorns’ coach Mack Brown:

Whether college athletes should or should not be paid is among the most heated discussion topics in sports. The flames have furthered been fanned of late as the idea is dragged through the legal system as a part of the Ed O’Bannon suit against the NCAA.

The pay-for-play suit was a popular topic at college football media days throughout the country, and Texas coach Mack Brown was perhaps the most notable person to come out in favor of playing players. Seen in the quote below, as reported by ESPN’s Darren Rovell.

darren rovell
@darrenrovell

Texas coach Mack Brown: “I do think players need to be paid. These players are killing themselves & at Texas last year we made $163M.”

Was that before or after meeting your “payroll”, Mackie boy?

Yes, sportz fanz – this is the same Mack Brown who has long been accused in many quarters (including, interestingly enough, here) of running Texas’ Third Pro Football Team&#153.&#160 Same guy who has been widely believed to have been paying his players – after “enticing” them to come to TU in the first place – for years.

As old WWE/WCW alum Booker T would say, “He didn’t just say that.&#160 Tell me&#160 he didn’t just say that.”

One game this week:&#160 the Hall of Fame game, in which the Dallas Cowgirlz go up against the Miami Dolphins and He Who Was Johnny Manziel Before Johnny Manziel Was Johnny Manziel&#153, aka Ryan Tannehill.

Nobody of note plays more than one series, and Miami’s backups will, as usual, turn out to be more talented & better-coached than Dallas’ backups.&#160 But what the hell – it’s F’ball, You Bet&#153.

Assuming I don’t fall asleep during the game, recap thereof will be Monday.&#160 See you then.

[SCENE:&#160 Aboard the ISS Vengeance, in His Rudeness’ quarters.&#160 He is reading a padd that T-Bone McManx has just brought him.&#160 He sighs, moves to his console comm and touches a button.]

VENOMOUS (to embedded speaker/mic):&#160 Venomous to Korrioth.

KORRIOTH (over speaker):&#160 nuqneH

VENOMOUS:&#160 Come to my quarters, if you please, General.

KORRIOTH:&#160 (grunt) On my way.

[SCENE:&#160 Five minutes later.&#160 Korrioth is standing at…well, we won’t call it attention, but he looks like he’s ready to tear Venomous’ head off.]

VENOMOUS:&#160 That’s his usual pose, Narrator.&#160 No worries.

[Uh…yes, Admiral.]

KORRIOTH (slightly annoyed by now):&#160 Admiral, I hope you had a good reason for getting me up here.

VENOMOUS (sighing):&#160 No, Kor, I’m afraid I don’t.&#160 I’m granting you extended shore leave.&#160 You are to fly to Vulcan, pick up your mother and proceed to Q’ono’S.

KORRIOTH (now with a very&#160 wary look):&#160 Uh…why?

[The Admiral hands Korrioth the padd]

StarTrek.com is saddened to report that veteran character actor and iconic Star Trek guest star Michael Ansara passed away on July 31 at the age of 91 following a long illness.

Ansara had a remarkably long and prolific career that spanned from 1944 to 2001 and included Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Broken Arrow (on which he starred as Cochise), The Fugitive, Gunsmoke, I Dream of Jeannie, It’s Alive, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Fantasy Island, Murder, She Wrote, Babylon 5 and such late-career animated projects as Batman, SubZero, Batman Beyond and his final credit, 2001’s Batman: Vengeance; he voiced Dr. Victor Fries/Mr. Freeze in all of those Batman iterations.

Star Trek fans, of course, embraced Ansara for his performance as the Klingon commander, Kang, in the Star Trek: The Original Series episode “Day of the Dove.” Later, when Star Trek exploded into a cultural phenomenon, Ansara became a favorite at conventions and on cruises. Decades passed and, in 1994, Ansara made a triumphant return to televised Trek, reprising his role as Kang in the Deep Space Nine hour “Blood Oath.” Ansara played Kang yet again in the 1996 Voyager episode “Flashback”…

[Korrioth stares at the padd, a dispassionate look on his face.&#160 A low rumble begins in his throat.&#160 Then, almost without warning, Korrioth throws his head back and…]

KORRIOTH:&#160 YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[He straightens and faces Venomous]

KORRIOTH:&#160 I will require K’hadibak’h & McCool to accompany me, Admiral.

VENOMOUS:&#160 Take them, my friend. They’re on detached assignment to you for as long as you need.

KORRIOTH:&#160 Thank you, sir.&#160 With your permission…?

[Venomous nods his assent, and Korrioth exits.]

—

The Realm&#153 extends its condolences to the Ansara family.

(Hat tip:&#160 Fox News – specifically, Hemmer & McCallum.)

Giving new meaning to the name “Hotel California”…

Prisoners in Fremont, Calif., sentenced on misdemeanor charges can fulfill their prison stays in an isolated, less-crowded section of the city jail – for a price.

The new “Pay to Stay” program is new to Fremont, but not new to California, said Geneva Bosques, a spokeswoman for the Fremont Police Department. Similar programs, for example, exist in Southern California.

During sentencing deliberations, people can apply to be enrolled in the program. In order to gain approval from the judge, one would have to pass a health screening, which includes a TB test, and a background check to ensure that they do not have a violent past. Once an application is approved and a onetime $45 fee is collected, the inmate can stay in this “quiet” prison for $155 a night.”

“Mirrors on the ceiling, pink champagne on ice, and she said, ‘We are all just prisoners here…of our own device…'”&#160

Denizens, to at least try & start off your Monday on the right foot, I offer this from Denizen and Original Cast member Robert Mullane:

Have a good week.